Loving and Living Fully: Why Only the Process Matters
This morning, I woke up at 4:40 and, somehow, didn’t want to go back to sleep but instead felt the urge to do something. Of course, my half-hearted attempt to fall asleep again failed, so I told Marie I could take Cleo so she could sleep instead. I wondered what to do with this extra time and decided to practice the Nine Contemplations of Atisha.
What does really matter?
At question four (Your life span, like that of all living beings, is not fixed), I paused and started reflecting on what would truly matter, depending on my own time of death. I asked myself:
- What would really matter if I died today?
- What if I died tomorrow?
- In a month?
- In a year?
- In five years?
Then I considered Cleo. What’s important if Cleo were to die today? Tomorrow? In a month? In one year? Five years? Ten years?
And finally, I repeated the same reflection for Marie.
What did I learn from this reflection? The things that often consume so much of my attention—my website, posts and pages, the texts I want to write, the subscribers I’d like to gain, my career, or even success in running races—don’t really matter. Or rather, they don’t matter at all.
Instead, what truly matters is loving and living life fully—and learning to do so even better.
And when it comes to Cleo? It’s simply about loving her. Enjoying every moment with her. Making her feel safe, at home, and loved. And giving her the chance to truly experience life.
And regarding Marie? I realized that my thoughts and worries about the future are pointless because I have no idea whether the future I’m worrying about—where I actually have to make these decisions—will ever even happen. So, why let those thoughts take me away from the present moment?
Instead, I should just be present—living fully and loving fully. Right now is the moment when I can love Marie and Cleo. That’s what truly matters. All those future possibilities that might never happen? They’re just not important.
The Meta-Level Perspective
Stepping back, I realized that considering my mortality—the fact that I will lose everything (emphasis on thing—) at the latest when I die—means that only the process, not the outcomes, truly matters.
What do I mean by that? Every thing I could possibly work for will eventually be left behind. Everything is impermanent. In fact, Buddhist teachings on impermanence and emptiness suggest that there are no inherently fixed “things” at all—only process, only change. Our minds create the appearance of separate, unchanging things because it helps us make sense of the world. But when we look closely, we see that everything is constantly shifting, shaped by countless causes and conditions. Nothing has an inherent "thingness."
Recognizing this makes it clear: Most things will change and disappear long before I die:
- My flat? I will probably move eventually.
- My looks? They will change as I age.
- My health? It will fluctuate.
- My relationships? They will evolve.
- My possessions? They will wear out, break, or lose their importance to me.
- My website, posts, and subscribers? I will likely stop one day, and they will become unimportant.
And even if some of these things were not to change during my lifetime, at the very latest, when I die, none of them will matter—at least to me.
After I die, most of the so-called “important” things I am doing now will be forgotten. And even if they’re not, they will no longer be important to me. So why obsess over them?
What about fame or what people think of me? In 100 years, most of the people whose opinions I care about will be gone, and the topics that concern me today will be forgotten.
So, What Actually Matters?
The process. The actions, thoughts, and experiences that feel meaningful in themselves.
Loving and living life fully. And learning to do so better.
What does this mean for my life? The things that currently demand my attention—my website, my writing, my subscribers, my career, my running—don’t matter in and of themselves. They only matter if the process of working on them is meaningful.
A Practical Heuristic
So, I set myself the following guideline: Focus on activities where the process itself feels right and important. Let go of the focus on things that are all about the outcome.
How do I want to do that? In every moment, choose what feels truly meaningful and aligned with the present. Don’t think about future outcomes—whether material (money, published blog posts) or immaterial (recognition, fame). Prioritize what feels right to do in the moment.
- Meditate to get enlightened? Or follow the impulse to cuddle with Cleo? → Cuddle with Cleo.
- Support Marie? Or write a blog post to share a brilliant idea? → Support Marie.
- Write because I have a creative drive? Or run to prepare for a race? → Write.
- Run because I feel like running? Or work on something, because I want it to be done. → Run.
Conclusion
Shift your attention away from outcomes. Focus on activities where the process itself feels fulfilling.
I intend to experiment with this approach and see where it leads…